Saturday, May 18, 2013

Visiting my Grandma- dementia

I just visited my Grndma for the second time since they said it was dementia. My heart is like a burning stone in my chest. I'm trying not to cry, not to mourn what has been lost. I went with Andrew and the kids and overall it went well. She remembered us for most of the visit and only got confused a few times. She flashes back to her childhood often. At one point as stood up to find my grandad (deceased) to join us for coffee. I had to stand up and find her and tell her he wasn't here :( I felt like the adult, the carer. I didn't know what to say and what not to say. Happily she just walked back with me. Then when it was time to go she couldn't find her room and didn't understand where she was and why. When we left the door has a code on it so we walked out an she tried to come with me. I felt like an absolute bitch telling her she had to stay. That she would be there for the night and we had to go home. I didn't want to leave her alone and feeling lost. I can only hope she walked away, had a cup of tea and had pleasant memories.

I can only imagine how much harder its going to be. As she forgets us more and more. As I have to look out for her when there and keep her safe. As a carer for my kids I can honestly say I can't imagine the stress of caring for a parent or grandparent. That is a role that we should never have to play.

For now I have happy memories, photos and the knowledge that she still remembers me and likes the time we spend together.

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