After last week I have been thinking about my stress and noticing more and more when it affects me. At the moment my heart is racing and burning in my chest- a signal to me to stop.
I have spent the last week trying to reduce my stress and trying to sort out my life but with very little luck. Stress at the moment is not my girls, is not appointments and therapy, stress is my family. As in my Mum and my extended family.
My Mum will not talk rationally to me, she is trying to stop me from seeing my brother. To me it feels like she is playing a power game. I had to walk away so why should I still get to see my brother. It's like then I don't lose out on anything, I still see the people I want to.
We were supposed to see him on Sunday with my Step-Dad but they didn't turn up. After messaging him he said they couldn't come. He was supposed to ring me and explain- he didn't.
I know my Mum has spoken to my family about why we don't talk but I don't know what story she told them. I tried to speak to my auntie about it with no luck. She has told me Mum has spoken to her, but she doesn't want to get involved. Yet I can't tell her what actually happened? She doesn't want to be in the middle of "it" without knowing what "it' is about. She is still asking me to speak to Mum and "sort it out". Considering I have been speaking to her for months with no luck I can assume their conversation was very one sided.
It feels like my days are spent worrying about family, about what they know and what they think of me.
Time to let it go.
Time to focus on my family.
Time to stand up and say I have nothing to hide, I didn't do anything wrong.
Something I have learnt over the past week is I don't care if the world learns what happened to me, why Mum doesn't speak to me. I have nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
I was the victim.
I didn't make the choice, I didn't have the control.
When I was a child I was the one being abused.....not the other way around.
See, now the world knows. I am a victim of abuse and once I told my Mum she told me to take it back or to walk away.
What choice would you make?
Unfortunately, what i've learned is that no matter what you do, people will be the way they will be... you can be sweet, honest and try hard - and that person will be a difficult challenge, or you can be angry, get sick, shout what you are feeling, at them... and they will be a difficult challenge. You just need to do what is best for you. Allow yourself some time to breathe, and focus on what is important- you, your family and your health. Then, take a step back and think yes, she will be difficult *no matter* what i do, and try and figure out a game plan that will work with the *least* negative impact. Trust me, I know all this. I've done it myself. You have to grin and bare it sometimes, and step back knowing you've been the grown up. I know, easier to say than do...
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. xx
You never know, hopefully some day soon, things will die down enough so that you can get to be close with your brother again... Good Luck, you'll need it <3
ReplyDeleteYour mum should stand by you and support you. If one of my children told me they had been abused, I would be devastated that I didn't realise it and had stopped it. I think I would also have gone to the police.
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