Who is the child again?

There is so much going on right now.... Stresses from all sides and I am still dealing with seperation from my family. Just when you need help and support life long issues come to a head. It seems I have gone from being the child to being the adult. Over the last year I have been speaking to a therapist who has helped me see things differently. Not very many people in my life know this but it has changed me and helped me grow. While pregnant with L I was very sick and towards the end I was sleeping less and less. As a result I would lay in bed thinking and thinking. It gave me too much time to reflect on my life which hadn't been all positive. It also helped play on my fears on what could go wrong this time with this baby. We were still waiting on As diagnosis and this put me under so much pressure. When we finally heard it was cerebral palsy I felt crushed. No pregnant woman wants to hear that sort of news. So I finally crashed one day. I decided to share this very personal info after reading a few blogs recently dealing with depression and anxiety.

Why don't women talk when we don't cope?
Why is it so hard to say I can't do it, I dont feel great.

 I need help.

One day I has been throwing up everyone water included and I had 2 kids at home to look after and no one to ask to help. I jut collapsed in the shower. I was crying and sobbing so hard my body was bent over. I was at least 7 months pregnant. My husband couldn't get me to stop he was trying to shield the kids. I couldn't explain why I couldn't stop. I was crying to he point of throwing up. Eventually he got me in to bed and had the kids lying next to me. There was hugs and kisses. Words of love and comfort. I didn't know what was wrong. I thought I was physically ill. I asked him to ring my obstetrician to check what was up with me. Straight away she knew what was wrong. She referred me to the Rafael Centre run by our hospital St John of God. I spoke to someone there and explained I hadn't slept in more than 2 months. I has not slept for more than 2 hours. I could not remember what a night of sleep was. I could barely function day to day and I was getting fuzzy and losing memories. They knew straight away I was suffering from ante natal anxiety. I have never heard of the term. I had heard of depression but anxiety? The pressure had been playing with me. It had made me anxious and nervous. Combine that with no sleep and the mind can play funny games. I was very lucky in the person they referred me to. A resident psychiatrist was going to see me weekly at a reduced rate. Financially I couldn't have afforded it otherwise. It changed me. I learnt how to see things from the outside. How to view my actions from a rational place. Most importantly I started trying to get some sleep. Even more importantly she was with me when I confronted my Mum. She prepared me for the worst which did come true. So I didn't fall apart again. I am able to step back and realise I am the adult not the child. We don't always get the results we want but as long as we have prepared ourself for every possibility then we can move forward. If you have ever felt overwhelmed or not in control then please ask for help. There are fantastic free phone services and I have since learnt that your GP can refer you to a reduced rate counselling service